Self-control: Do you ever question, "If I have done something wrong or If you have done enough"

Self-control: Do you ever question, “If I have done something wrong or If you have done enough”

When dealing with symptoms of pain such as anger, sadness, frustration caused by a trigger, your body tends to react in a manner that either fight, flight, or freeze. Well, what is the cause of this automatic response?

Being part of the so-called chaotic environment and having a sense of confusion about who you are, being abused and neglected by your partner’s love can be dated back to your relationship with your parents and your upbringing. How aware were you in dealing with adversity in your own home? Unable to see the lack of love, empathy, and attention given during your childhood creates this void or cannot develop a barometer that tells you when you have done enough or where you need to focus more. Have you ever been or currently in a relationship that you feel a sense of void by your partner? Do you tend to dwell on the feeling of emptiness or loneliness? These feelings are triggers of your mental barometer that is underdeveloped early on during childhood. These cognitive messages that your mind obsesses over that either wants to blame self or others. Unable to gauge through this barometer and respond to what is right or wrong is the reason why you blame yourself or burden yourself with always asking “if you have done enough” or “did you overreact” all of these internal dialogs that seek to gain control.

1. Your reaction to this pain is natural and must be observed, accepted, and made whole by your feeling heard by your partner or a capable Therapist.

2. Being vulnerable to these negative feelings in you is not just necessary but imperative to change. Accepting and allowing these feelings to be felt is critical. It will help you deal with it vs. reacting and avoiding it via the use of drugs, violence, verbal and physical outburst, accepting that pain suffering is normal and allowing it vs. condemning it is not.

3. If your adverse reaction triggers a negative response in your partner, do not try to gain control by putting more thoughts and understanding and accepting that you have done everything possible to fix this. No, you are not the person who caused an adverse reaction in your partner. All this will delay the process within your to accept the natural pain and suffering you must go through to heal.

4. Accept that your emotional pain and suffering is your and is caused by you. Your partner’s reaction or pain and suffering is theirs and must be dealt with by them alone. You are there to support as a compassionate human being and what you are doing is enough.

Alkesh Patel LPC, CSAC, CEO